I gingerly slid out from beneath the comforter as I listened to the quiet breathing of my two best friends who were still sound asleep in the second queen sized bed that occupied the room. A day I had waited for, for what seemed like my entire life, had finally arrived and it was nothing like I had imagined it would be.
After graduating from high school, It seemed as though, one by one, my former class mates, met, fell in love with, and married the boy/girl "of their dream," while I spent four years studying, playing, dancing, running, blowing things up, hiking, dating, and learning about who I was. Those years seemed to evaporate in a blink of an eye and I found myself wearing my second cap and gown and walking up to receive my second empty degree envelope.
Thanks to the cultural expectation, I was officially an old maid and was approaching an age that meant I may no longer be desirable mate material. I can't even count how may times I was ask the question "Why aren't you married yet?" (the first time, I was only 19 years old), to which I learned the ultimate reply was "Because no one has asked." That usually shut people up.
Despite feeling grateful to have completed my education and having absolutely no regrets about remaining single in the process. I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel a sense of failure when presented with the social pressure surrounding marriage. I didn't feel old, or broken, or like I was nearing my expiration date. In fact, I still felt like I had a lot to figure out about myself before dragging someone else into the whirlwind that was my existence; but at every turn, someone seemed to make it abundantly clear that I wasn't following the Mormon standard timeline.
As I stepped out of that ebony gown and slipped the bobby pins out of my hair to remove my cap, I felt a little lost. In this world, I was in somewhat uncharted territory.
All through college, I always told people that I had a "3 seasons rule." I would never marry someone unless I had know them through at least 3 seasons and I felt like my rational was more than justified (Maybe that is why I found myself graduating without a spouse, haha).
Enter Keldon J Eppich. We met through a mutual friend in April 2006, one month before my college graduation. I'll spare you the details, but lets just say that our first meeting was less than magical and after leaving our friends home, I didn't give the evening or those in attendance a second thought.
In May, I graduated. I took off the cap and gown. I packed up my room. I said goodbye to a town that had molded me and shaped me and that I had grown to love, and moved to Jackson Hole, WY to be the assistance manager for a dude ranch. I worked. I hiked. I ran. And the months passed.
Before I continue, I want to be completely clear. I began this blog promising honesty and I feel like this message is so important. It is one that I feel like is constantly sugar coated and painted in rainbow colors, and because of that it creates heartache and pain and disappointment rather than commitment and determination and vision. That is why I am sharing the REAL version of my love story.
In June, I got a text message from a number I didn't know asking how I was doing. When I found out who it was from, I was less than interested due to what little I remembered about our first encounter; However, Jackson Hole can be a pretty lonely place for a single LDS girl who doesn't drink or party and works from 8am to 11:30pm six days a week.....so I replied.
That first text turned into hundreds, sent back and forth during the daylight hours, and hours of late night phone calls after I was "off the clock". We clicked. It was exciting. We had a lot in common and we enjoyed each other's company (from a distance).
He showed up at the ranch one night in late August and surprised me. It was only the second time we had ever seen each other.
We saw each other on weekends and continued our phone communication during the week until I moved back home in mid September (he had moved to Rexburg to go to school so we were finally in the same town), and we were engaged the first week of October. So much for my "3 seasons rule."
This is where most of the usual sugar coating would begin. Most people would tell you that on that frigid morning in the hotel room all they could think about was spending eternity with their best friend and being completely overwhelmed with excitement and joy.
That would not be the truth in my love story. As I slipped out of those covers, I was abnormally calm (especially for me) but not a peaceful calm, more in the realm of numb. I wasn't "sure" that I was making the right choice and, in fact, I had several moments of wondering if there was anyway I could just disappear without all of our closest family and friends noticing.
This is where the REAL comes in. I went through the motions. I knelt across from a man I barely knew and I said "Yes". . . and I wondered, "am I making the right choice."
Those first three years were hard. Harder than I could have ever imagined. There were A LOT of fights. A LOT of angry words. A LOT of hurt feelings. A LOT of selfishness and stubbornness and anger and hurt. From BOTH sides. I am just as guilty in our struggles and I take full responsibility for my part in our raging war. We were very different people, from very different worlds (and honestly, from an outside view, those worlds didn't seem much different- we were both from good LDS families, raised in the country, with similar interests and experiences and cultural backgrounds- but despite all that, we were very different). And those differences are reality.
I've learned that in life there are realities and perceptions. Often, our perceptions try to convince our brains that they are realities and if our own reality doesn't match up with what we perceive others realities to be, then we allow ourselves to feel like there is something wrong with our life, or worse, something wrong with us.
The picture of marriage that seems to be painted is that if you marry "the person you are meant to marry" that you will be blissfully happy, that all your dreams will come true, that you will agree on most, if not all, of your decisions. If you do disagree, you will sit down, hand in hand, and have a little, mild, meaningful conversation where you will both come to a mutually satisfying compromise.
Maybe this happens. However, I doubt that it is the norm.
I can't even begin to count the number of times in those first 3 years that I sat alone in tears thinking "maybe I made the wrong choice." As if, there was some other man out there who I had been "meant" to marry and somehow I had screwed everything up. After all, the paintings always seemed to portray "happily ever after" immediately following "I do."
Luckily enough for me, both Kel and I are very stubborn people (don't you worry, we have had this discussion and I wasn't the only one concerned about my choice) and neither of us were willing to be the one to call it quits. In those first 36 months, give or take a few, the big D word was thrown around more than I care to admit. There were so many times that we both wondered why we were doing "this." Did I mention that it was HARD!
The beauty of hard things is that Heavenly Father never gives us anything great, without making us work for it, or testing our faith a little (or A LOT!). The term "refiners fire" was not a joke. In my time on this Earth, I can not look back at the greatest blessing in my life without acknowledging some deep trial or challenge that preceded them. Check out Ether 12:27 or my favorite:
D&C 58:2-3
3 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.
4 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand
I am so beyond blessed to have married a man who is so much like me in so many ways, while also being my complete, polar opposite. He has made me better. He has tempered me. He has made me more relaxed in some areas and stronger in others and I believe that he would probably say that there are a few things that I have helped him improve on- though I'm probably the one that needs the most work.
I want to make it absolutely clear that our HARD never involved abuse (if you are/were/or ever find yourself in an abusive relationship, get out and seek help). We, like most couples on this planet, needed time to learn to trust. To give a little more and take a little less. To learn more about ourselves and each other and to finally give up enough control and fear of rejection to let the other person become a part of who we are. The road is not easy and I'm not here to tell you that there is a magic number of days that you must endure before the bliss happens- marriage, full, happy, healthy, love story worthy marriage takes a lot of work- always. We still have our moments and struggles but we also are far better at working at them together rather than against each other.
In 5 days, Kel and I will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary and I can honestly say that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that on that frigid day, almost 8 years ago, I made the RIGHT choice. There is no other man on this planet that could make me happier, dry my tears, calm my fears, hold my hand, cradle my babies, or put a smile on my face the way that he can. He loves me with an intensity and loyalty that I could never have even understood without experiencing it and somehow in-spite of all of my faults and flaws. In those first few years, I think that I just expected him to give up and leave me partially because I didn't feel like I was worthy of his or anyone else's love. He has taught me so much about love and forgiveness and compassion. I can't even allow myself to think about what my life would have been like had either one of us given up.
I guess what I'm hoping to convey is that real marriage is not a fairy tale. Is there one "right" person out there, who if you find, you will live in perpetual peace and joy from that moment on? I don't think so. I think that if Kel or I had married someone else, we likely wouldn't have had the same disagreements, but we would have disagreed. We wouldn't have the same struggles, but we would have had struggles. Heavenly Father made each of us unique, with our very own set of talents and attributes and challenges and because of the miracle of those differences, combining two lives is not a flawless process.
I love my sweet, amazing, tender, strong husband beyond the bounds of what I could have ever imagined. He is my rock. He balances me in all of my crazy. He loves me when probably no one else would and lifts me when no one else can even see that I have fallen.
Nearly 8 years later, we can both look back and laugh at our wild ride but there is also a sincere solemn respect for those years of heartache and struggle. We are grateful for those years, and glad that they are over. Without them, we wouldn't be us, and honestly US is pretty awesome.
Happy anniversary my love. I love you bunches and bunches, more, and most! Thank you for not giving up and for sharing this amazing, wild, beautiful adventure with me. I'm so grateful that I get to spend eternity with you.
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