Someone once told me that "the days are long, but the years are short" and as I watch my two wild, rambunctious, larger than life toddlers use my furniture as spring boards and plow their way through life- no statement has ever held more truth.
Some days I glance at the clock after what feels like hours of "don't touch that's" and "don't make me tell you again's" to find that only mere minutes have past, yet, as I listen to the soft breath of sleeping children when the day has finally reached it's end, looking at these beautiful forms that were tiny babies only moments ago, I can't grasp how their growth, their change, their transformation is even possible. My heart breaks and soars simultaneously in those moments.
Time is an ominous, deceptive creature. You finally think you have it figured out and then it changes. I look back at my last post, months ago, and don't even know where to begin. How is it JULY already and MAN, THAT FEELS LIKE FOREVER AGO!
I have felt the tug to get back to writing, but honestly, with everything that has been going on, at the end of the day, I've had nothing left to give.
After contemplating topics for this post, there was one overriding theme to my life lately. Time. Not our Time......but His.
I could write in depth about the stresses that came with selling our house or those that come with building a new one. I could write about finding myself standing surrounded by trees and hills and hundreds of steadfast stones engraved with names and dates with dashes, in two different locations, on two different days,nearly two weeks apart, to say goodbye to two different friends who left far too soon. I could write about my best buddies tears as he refused to sleep in a room in our apartment because he "wanted to go back to {his} Logan house" or the tears that I cried in secret because of his. I could write about the heartache of leaving behind my precious young women and cherished neighbors or the excitement of meeting so many amazing new ones. I could tell you about renters that don't pay their bills and how much being a landlord stinks sometimes. I could write about the WAITING.....waiting....and more waiting, or about time slipping so fast that it creates an anxious pit in my stomach, a fear of missing something, of wasting even one precious second.
I could write an entire post about any one of those things, but instead. In all of it, I have been taught an incredible lesson. One I should have already known......known well.
When our house finally closed, we felt a wave of relief. We had everything ready to get started on our home in Petersboro and apartment life was already wearing a hole in our "we can do this" attitude. I was tired...EXHAUSTED...emotionally and physically. I had spent the last 3 months tied in knots. Waiting. Feeling like I was going to explode. Receiving news that yet another thing was not going to happen when or how it was supposed to. I was ready to move forward. Apparently my readiness has little baring on His schedule. In one day I received three phone calls about three of the above mentioned issues. The knot started to creep back. I felt the anger rising and a flush of heat in my cheeks. I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit something. I wondered why "no one cared about me." I even vented some of the frustration to those that weren't at fault.
Then, like a breeze. . . .a soft, clear thought hit me like a freight train. . ."have faith in His time."
I stopped dead in my tracks as a million memories saturated my brain. In nearly every pivotal moment in my life, I have let myself get completely consumed with what I wanted NOW instead of having faith that I would be given what I needed WHEN I needed it. I saw moments of anguish and sorrow and indecision that were followed by peace and comfort and tremendous blessings. Blessings beyond my wildest imagination. The catch was that it was rarely immediate. I had to push through. Live in the darkness, sometimes until I felt like I was going to suffocate, before the light appeared. But I have NEVER been left in the dark. NEVER.
In that moment, I knew that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and knows me and blesses me beyond measure and, above all, has a perfect eternal picture of my existence.
I took a breath. I put one foot in front of the other, and I decided that the only moment I have is this one...and now this one. . . and now this one. . .and the only thing I can control is what I choose to do with it. I can choose to love or I can choose to rage. I can choose to waste my moments waiting for the ones to come, thinking they will be better, when in reality, I have the opportunity to decide that every moment is my best moment regardless of my circumstances.
I know that it won't be easy and Heaven knows I will not be perfect. In fact, I nearly slipped today when I found out that we still don't have building permits and that we won't until at least next week. . . . .but I do have: a roof over my head, an incredible, loving, devoted, hardworking husband, two beautiful, healthy, sacred little people who love beyond bounds, a strong body, food in the cupboards, friends and family that love and support me, a pure knowledge of our purpose in this life, and a list that could fill libraries of things that mean more and are more important than building permits.
I'm working on finding faith in His timing. He has never left me in the dark yet. . . .and his plan has always been tremendously better than mine ever was.
