Faith in His Timing

Someone once told me that "the days are long, but the years are short" and as I watch my two wild, rambunctious, larger than life toddlers use my furniture as spring boards and plow their way through life- no statement has ever held more truth.

Some days I glance at the clock after what feels like hours of "don't touch that's" and "don't make me tell you again's" to find that only mere minutes have past, yet, as I listen to the soft breath of sleeping children when the day has finally reached it's end, looking at these beautiful forms that were tiny babies only moments ago, I can't grasp how their growth, their change, their transformation is even possible.  My heart breaks and soars simultaneously in those moments.

Time is an ominous, deceptive creature.  You finally think you have it figured out and then it changes.  I look back at my last post, months ago, and don't even know where to begin. How is it JULY already and MAN, THAT FEELS LIKE FOREVER AGO!

I have felt the tug to get back to writing, but honestly, with everything that has been going on, at the end of the day, I've had nothing left to give.

After contemplating topics for this post, there was one overriding theme to my life lately. Time. Not our Time......but His.

I could write in depth about the stresses that came with selling our house or those that come with building a new one.  I could write about finding myself standing surrounded by trees and hills and hundreds of steadfast stones engraved with names and dates with dashes, in two different locations, on two different days,nearly two weeks apart, to say goodbye to two different friends who left far too soon. I could write about my best buddies tears as he refused to sleep in a room in our apartment because he "wanted to go back to {his} Logan house" or the tears that I cried in secret because of his. I could write about the heartache of leaving behind my precious young women and cherished neighbors or the excitement of meeting so many amazing new ones. I could tell you about renters that don't pay their bills and how much being a landlord stinks sometimes. I could write about the WAITING.....waiting....and more waiting, or about time slipping so fast that it creates an anxious pit in my stomach, a fear of missing something, of wasting even one precious second.

I could write an entire post about any one of those things, but instead. In all of it, I have been taught an incredible lesson.  One I should have already known......known well.

When our house finally closed, we felt a wave of relief.  We had everything ready to get started on our home in Petersboro and apartment life was already wearing a hole in our "we can do this" attitude. I was tired...EXHAUSTED...emotionally and physically.  I had spent the last 3 months tied in knots. Waiting. Feeling like I was going to explode. Receiving news that yet another thing was not going to happen when or how it was supposed to. I was ready to move forward.  Apparently my readiness has little baring on His schedule.  In one day I received three phone calls about three of the above mentioned issues.  The knot started to creep back.  I felt the anger rising and a flush of heat in my cheeks.  I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit something.  I wondered why "no one cared about me."  I even vented some of the frustration to those that weren't at fault.

Then, like a breeze. . . .a soft, clear thought hit me like a freight train. . ."have faith in His time."

I stopped dead in my tracks as a million memories saturated my brain.  In nearly every pivotal moment in my life, I have let myself get completely consumed with what I wanted NOW instead of having faith that I would be given what I needed WHEN I needed it.  I saw moments of anguish and sorrow and indecision that were followed by peace and comfort and tremendous blessings.  Blessings beyond my wildest imagination. The catch was that it was rarely immediate.  I had to push through.  Live in the darkness, sometimes until I felt like I was going to suffocate, before the light appeared.  But I have NEVER been left in the dark.  NEVER.

In that moment, I knew that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and knows me and blesses me beyond measure and, above all, has a perfect eternal picture of my existence.

I took a breath.  I put one foot in front of the other, and I decided that the only moment I have is this one...and now this one. . . and now this one. . .and the only thing I can control is what I choose to do with it.  I can choose to love or I can choose to rage.  I can choose to waste my moments waiting for the ones to come, thinking they will be better, when in reality, I have the opportunity to decide that every moment is my best moment regardless of my circumstances.

I know that it won't be easy and Heaven knows I will not be perfect.  In fact, I nearly slipped today when I found out that we still don't have building permits and that we won't until at least next week. . . . .but I do have: a roof over my head, an incredible, loving, devoted, hardworking husband, two beautiful, healthy, sacred little people who love beyond bounds, a strong body, food in the cupboards, friends and family that love and support me, a pure knowledge of our purpose in this life, and a list that could fill libraries of things that mean more and are more important than building permits.

I'm working on finding faith in His timing.  He has never left me in the dark yet. . . .and his plan has always been tremendously better than mine ever was.

My Pieces of Sunshine

Apparently my last post left my sweet husband feeling a little worried about me.  I'd be lying if I said he was without reason, but my intention was not to write a depressing post or make people worry. That wasn't necessarily the tone I was shooting for, so this post is intentionally completely different.

Despite the unexpected rain storms that drift in an out of my life, there are these beautiful little rays of sunlight the trickle in through those menacing gray clouds.  As the light filters through, the darkness seems to melt away so gently that it is nearly impossible to decipher the moment that the darkness disappears and only the light remains.

After my last post, we experienced a series of miracles.  Blessing that I can only attribute to the Big Man upstairs.  We have been humbled and my heart is overflowing with gratitude. So this post is about some of my favorite little rays of sunshine.

First, my brightest ray of light, just happens to be my amazing hubby and he deserves a GIANT shout out (from the roof tops).  This handsome, studly man of mine inspires and lifts me everyday.  He has a will and determination that is unparalleled. He is a dreamer. I am a realist.  The combination hasn't always worked cohesively but, over the years, I've learned that if this man puts his mind to something- he MAKES IT HAPPEN.  He lives and breaths the motto "Go big, or go home" and I'm the first to tell you- he's not the one "going home."

Our little family was faced with numerous BIG decisions and stresses over the last few months and this guy was carrying the majority of the burden around with him (so well that I didn't realize how hard it was for him).

Then came the miracles.

Kel hadn't been feeling well for a while and I had finally convinced him to go to the doctor.  Several tests later, he was put on a blood pressure medication and a sleep study was ordered, along with a few other interventions.

He came home discouraged, but determined.  A few days later, he decided to enter an nation wide body transformation challenge put on by Bodybuilding.com.  True to form. he dove in with both feet.

Meanwhile, after spending the last year clawing our way out of debt and finally being debt free (other than our mortgages) Kel's car decided to give up the ghost just days after we had put nearly all of our tax return and liquid assets into a CD as the beginning of our down payment for our next home.  I felt heartbroken, but Kel, always the optimist, charged forward and began comparing options.

To add to the craziness, the company that my incredible hubby works for had been talking to him about a promotion for over a year and just when it would start to feel like a reality, something would happen and the reality would get pushed back into the background.  I think we were both feeling discouraged but the pressure was really starting to crush my positive guy.  Just before the car fiasco, Kel had a discussion with the companies VP and was told that the promotion was still in to works but that is would NOT happen this year.  I was devastated. Kel seemed content with a realistic timeline.  I buried my frustration and put on my happy face and we trudged forward.

Kel poured his focus and strength into changing his entire lifestyle.  He began getting up at 4am to go to the gym before work and completely changed his diet. He began  learning about what to eat and how to exercise to accomplish his goals.  I revamped our eating habits at home.  HUGE changes started to happen.  1 week in he was able to completely stop using the blood pressure medication and was feeling a difference in his overall health.  I really enjoyed the opportunity to use some of my education to help him with fitness and nutrition and we worked together to shape his goals (let me be clear, HE did it- I just tired to help and support where I could).

His transformation has been incredible!!!! He is keeping his before and after pictures under pretty tight wraps until the competition is over but I can't wait to share them.  He is seriously my hero!

We were walking yesterday and he kept asking why I was staring at him.  I said I wasn't staring. Seriously though, I have always thought I married a very attractive man, but DARN he looks GOOOOOOD!  I almost don't want to let him leave the house for fear women will start chasing him down (Stay back-he's taken ;) ).

Even with all the stress and craziness, he stayed on track, he carved out time to be the amazing dad that he is to our babies, took time for me, and he solved our car woes, while putting in extra hours at work.

Then came an even bigger surprise/blessing. Through a completely incredible/unbelievable/unimaginable series of events, his promotion materialized. . . only just a couple weeks after being told it would be at least a year.

It is a BIG deal for so many reasons.  The man that I love more than I could have ever dreamed, started with this company 4 years ago without and education, without much experience in the entry level position he was hired for, and in those 4 short years he has had 3 major promotions.

With this promotion, he traded in his cargo pants and work boots for slacks and dress shoes.

It didn't come without blood, sweat, and tears.  It didn't come without late nights, early mornings, hard work, and a fiery determination.

All I've wanted to do from the moment I found out was shout it from the roof tops and sky write it through the clouds while my humble, mild husband didn't tell anyone. He just went about life with a prayer of gratitude and the attitude that he didn't want to bring attention to himself.  Oh, how I love and admire him.  He is my brightest light, melting away clouds of darkness and despair, and I can't hardly contain how overwhelmingly proud I am of him!

My life is full of precious slivers of sunlight and as I sit here trying to convey the explosive feelings in my heart, I feel left without adequate words.

I've made some big goals and am working towards making some big changes over the next year. I'm excited for the opportunity to share some of those things here.  I'm going to share the things that I'm passionate about, the things I love, and the things I feel like I'm learning.  Big things are happening and the rain has taken a break for now :).

And Sometimes It Rains

We have all heard the expression "When it rains, it pours," but I have realized that sometimes, it just rains.  When every weather forecast says that it should be sunny, for some reason, the storm clouds roll in consuming the clear sky that was supposed to stay blue and filling the void with despairing darkness. . . . .and it just rains, without gigantic menacing drops or outrageous torrential outbursts. Just a steady drizzle that initially seems manageable, seeming to possibly be short lived, but continues.  The drops keep falling, eventually soaking you to the bone but so slowly that you don't even realize how wet you are until you've become a sopping mess.

For almost four weeks now, I have been trying to formulate this post. The rain started falling. I tried to wait it out. But the clouds just got darker and here I sit, a sopping mess.

The hardest part, is that from almost every perspective, the sun should be shining on my life.  My blessings are too numerable to even try to count.  Things, for the most part, are really good.  Yet the clouds still came.

It started several weeks ago with some issues that temporally seemed like a huge ordeal (though are fairly insignificant from a broader perspective).  I allowed myself to feel hurt, very hurt, by the actions of some of the people that I care the most about (it still hurts) and that should care the most about me.  I felt the darkness creep in and the hurt turned to anger.  I was HURT and I WAS ANGRY, in a way that I have probably never really experienced.  As the events unfolded, the anger deepened and even when I started to realize that the the source of my anger was really being fueled by the  adversary, I continued to allow it to consume me.  I didn't want to let it go. And the clouds started to roll in.

In the midst of that, I was following the heart wrenching journey of a friend from high school and his beautiful little family. This amazing soul had always been someone whom I have admired and looked up to.  We were frequently in the same social circle, extra curricular activities, and even partnered in a school sport.

He was diagnosed with a brain tumor our senior year of high school, forcing him to relearn multiple skills, including how to walk, and I will never forget the hundreds of tears that slid down our faces (the graduating class of 2002), as he stood from his wheel chair and walked across the stage to accept him diploma.

We both attended Utah State following graduation and we occasionally found ourselves in the same groups.  I was always in awe of his determination, his strength, and his confidence.  He knew that he could do anything he set his mind to, and he did.

I lost track of him for several years until his sweet wife friended me on facebook.  From there, I learned that the cancer had returned in 2007 but that he had beaten it again and had been cancer free ever since.

I remember reading the heartbreaking post last year that the cancer had returned and that it seemed to be far more aggressive.  I knew that He would choose a plan of attack just as aggressively.  I hoped.  I prayed.  I pondered. I feared. I reflected. I followed his sweet wife's posts and found joy in the good news, and heartache in the bad.

Then came the news, just as my clouds were closing in and the rain began to fall, his tumor was no longer responding to Chemo and they were starting radiation.  My heart broke for his wife.  I looked at their tiny children and then into the eyes of my own. I cried.  I couldn't help but notice the similarities in out little families and felt guilt and gratitude and heartbreak and fear and a million other emotions.  All of the sudden it wasn't just someone else.  It was someone I had know and cared about.  It could have just as easily been us. I watched the grace and strength of his beautiful wife and my soul yearned to do something, anything, to help, but I didn't even know where to begin.

The last weekend in January, they decided to have an open house birthday party for this incredible man, husband, and father.  All were welcome. I felt an overwhelming prompting that I needed to go. I tried not to think to much about it but somehow knew that it was something I should do.  I wavered back and forth.  The entire 2 hour drive I thought about how fragile life is. How cold and scary and dark and unfair this life can be. How it is supposed to be that way. And about how much our Father in Heaven loves us and how much pain he must suffer watching his children suffer.  I almost turned around a million times, questioning if I should have come even when I pulled up to the house.  Would they wonder why I had shown up after nearly 10 years?  Was I crazy to have come when they probably had a million other close friends who had been far better friends than I had ever been to them? As questions and doubt raced through my head, a calm, quiet thought entered my head. None of that mattered, all that mattered was that they knew that they were loved and cared about, by more than just those they see everyday.  That people really do love and care about people, despite time or distance or the tumult of the world.  I wanted them to know that they mattered to me.  That his life and influence has mattered to me.

I will never regret, for one moment, walking into their home, giving his wife a real hug instead of a "facebook" one, looking into his eyes and telling him that I was grateful for his friendship and his kindness to me.  It was a beautiful, emotional, hard day.  One that I will always be grateful for.  In a way it changed me, it has brought a sense of mortality to my perception that I hadn't allowed in before and in some ways, it allowed the rain to keep falling. I continue to to think of them and pray for them and hope for them, everyday.

Then came news that both of my Grandmothers were struggling and would likely need to be moved to higher level care situations. As days passed, my Mom's mother seemed to be rapidly declining and there was fear that her time may be coming to an end.  The ache in my heart had become a throbbing as I tried to keep being strong.

The ache deepened even more when a week ago I found out that one of my dearest friends was facing what would likely be one of the most difficult and painful situations she will ever face.

And the rain fell.

Between all of my emotion and the added stress that my sweet hubby has been under with work and his weight loss challenge, my two favorite little people began acting out. Sadly, monster mom came out to handle the situation leaving me swimming in the gigantic puddle of guilt I had created. I have felt like an awful mother, completely under qualified to take care of these two amazing spirits.  To say the least, my self confidence was shattered.

So here I sit. In the midst of a storm.  A storm I never saw coming.  A storm that refuses to rage, but instead is content to just drizzle without end.

A sopping mess.

I am able to see the blessings. I'm humbled and grateful for them in every situation.  I know that the dreary clouds will part eventually and that even though the clouds weren't on my radar, if I'm strong enough, and brave enough, and patient enough, the sunny spot that was supposed to be mine, may help break through some of the other clouds.

Sometimes, when it rains, it pours. . . .and sometimes it just rains.

Salsa Chicken and Mexican Quinoa

I don't want this blog to turn into a food blog, but I promised this recipe and since it was so yummy, it's worth the post.  It's also super easy and HEALTHY.

Stay tuned for some new, non food posts soon.

Salsa Chicken

2-4 chicken breasts
1 can fire roasted mexican style tomatoes

Place chicken (I used frozen) in crockpot and cover with fire roasted tomatoes.  Cook on low approximately 3-4 hours depending on amount and size of chicken, until completely cooked.  I told you it was easy!

Mexican Quinoa

1 clove Garlic (diced)
1/2 onion (diced. I used a yellow onion but you could use white or red depending on taste preference)
1/2 green pepper
1 cup quinoa (rinsed)
1 cup chicken or vegetable broth
1 can black beans (drained and rinsed)
1 can diced (fire roasted or regular) tomatoes
1 can corn (drained)
1 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp cumin
salt and pepper to taste
1 avocado diced
juice from 1 lime

In a large skillet, spray generously with cooking spray and add onion, garlic, and green pepper.  Saute until softened.  Add quinoa, broth, beans, tomatoes, corn, and spices. Bring to a boil. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer until quinoa is completely cooked (approximately 25 minutes). Remove from heat and add lime juice and chopped avocado.

Create a nice layer of Quinoa and place Chicken breast on top.  Savor the yumminess!

adapted from: http://damndelicious.net/2014/04/09/one-pan-mexican-quinoa/

AMAZING "Kids" Pancakes (That even adults will love)

We have loads, I'm talking boat loads, of baby food puree left over since Ty decided that she was to grown up to eat it at about 9 months.  She thinks she is so big.  I've been lucky that I had stocked up on apple and banana and have been able to use it in the recipes that I already use apple sauce or ripened bananas but the mixed fruits and random veggies have proved a little more challenging.  We also have a TON of left over oatmeal and multigrain baby cereal that I was afraid we would never be able to use, until I stumbled on to this AMAZING pancake recipe!  They are SO much better than the store bought mix I used to buy (pancakes = bread, which meant, until now, I hadn't even considered trying to make them from scratch) and you can make a big batch, stick the left overs in the freezer, and after a quick zap of the microwave you have pancakes anytime your little ones ask (or you are craving a yummy, sweet snack).

Modified from:
http://cookingwithserena.com/?p=551124


Amazing "kids" Pancakes

Ingredients:

1 egg

1 Cup Flour (I used 3/4 cup wheat and 1/4 cup white but you could your any combination or one or the other.)

1/2 Cup baby cereal (I used oatmeal, multigrain would also work)

1 TBS coconut oil, melted (you could also use olive or another cooking oil)

2 tsp brown sugar

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp vanilla

2 TBS baby food ( you could use any fruit or vegtable, I used banana strawberry this time)

1 Cup 100% Juice ( I used Apple because it's what I had)

Mix all ingredients in a bowl until well conbined (you may want to add water to achieve your desired consistency- I added about 1-2 TBS)

Cook in greased frying pan.  I make my silver dollar sized for the kids. Flip when bubbles start to form and cook until golden on each side. Their aroma is to die for!

Serve warm with your favorite toppings and freeze the rest- if there are any left ;)

We top ours with creamy peanut butter (it's an Eppich thing) and syrup!

Cauliflower Crust Pizza

I had seen several recipes using cauliflower to replace mashed potatoes, make rice, mimic buffalo wings, and create an alternative to pizza crust and had contemplated trying it for some time.  We LOVE, I mean LOVE pizza in this house and Kel was really missing it so I decided to give the pizza crust a try.  It was a major, home run, hit!  Even with the kids! In fact, they ate it so fast that Kel and I barely even got a tiny slice.  We will be making it again tomorrow in larger quantities!

I modified my recipe from:
http://www.theluckypennyblog.com/2013/02/the-best-cauliflower-crust-pizza.html?m=1

Cauliflower Crust Pizza

Ingredients

1 large sized head of cauliflower 
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon dried basil, crushed
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano or italian seasoning, crushed
1 small garlic clove diced or 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 cup shredded parmesan cheese
1/4 cup mozzarella cheese
1 egg + 1 egg white

Sauce:
You can use pre-made sauce or make your own. I just threw some together for the sake of trying to be healthier, This recipe should make enough for 2 pizzas.

1 (14.5oz) can tomato sauce
1 small can tomato paste (I didn't have any so I left this out. It will just thicken your sauce)
aprox 1 tbs dried onions
1 small garlic clove crushed or finely diced
1/8 tsp salt
1 tsp splenda or sugar

combine in sauce pan and bring to boil. Reduce heat, cover, and simmer for 30-60 minutes.

Toppings:
We used fresh tomatoes and spinach because that is what we had. You can use anything you love!



Place a pizza stone or cookie sheet in the oven. Preheat oven to 450 degrees. On a cutting board, place a large piece of parchment paper or tin foil and spray it with nonstick cooking spray or oil. 

Wash cauliflower. Cut off the florets. Pulse in your food processor for about 30 seconds, until you get what is called cauliflower rice. Basically as though it had been finely grated. You should end up with 2 to 4 cups cauliflower shreds (you could use a fine cheese grater if you don't have a food processor). Place the cauliflower in a microwave safe bowl and cover. Microwave for 4 minutes. Dump cooked cauliflower onto a clean towel and allow to cool for several minutes (I nearly burned my hands off because I wasn't being very patient) before attempting the next step.

Once cauliflower is cool enough to handle, wrap it up in the dish towel and wring it until you can't get any more fluid out. You want to squeeze out as much water as possible. This will ensure you get a chewy crust and that it holds together. 

when finished, dump cauliflower into a bowl. Add Parmesan, mozzarella cheese, salt, dried basil, oregano or Italian seasoning, and garlic. 

Add your egg and mix well.  I just dug in with my hands to ensure that all the ingredients were completely incorporated. 

Once mixed, transfer dough to greased foil or parchment and shape into crust.  My first attempt I think I pressed my crust slightly thin, it was still super yummy, but I would recommend trying to keep it around a 1/4th of an inch in thickness.

Slide your crust onto your hot pizza stone or baking sheet in the oven. Bake for 8 - 11 minutes, until it starts to turn golden brown. Remove from oven.

Spread on sauce, add toppings and cheese and cook for another 5 to 7 minutes until the cheese is melted, bubbly, and slightly golden.

Let it to cool for a few minutes and then dig in! 

Southwest Peppers and Sweet Onion Egg White Omelet

The Hubs raved about this super simple, extremely healthy, egg white omelet. I served it with 3 strips of turkey bacon for a little crunch and to up the protein and we savored every bite.

Southwest Peppers and Sweet Onion Egg White Omelet

Ingredients

4 egg whites

1 tbs skim milk

half yellow onion (diced)

half green pepper (diced)

1 small clove of garlic (diced)

fresh spinach

cheddar/ colby jack/ mexican blend cheese (whatever you have on hand- I used colby jack)

salsa of choice

tomato (diced)

avacado (diced)


In a medium frying pan, saute onion and peppers on medium heat until desired softness (I used cooking spray) and add garlic for last 30 seconds to a minute.

Removed onion and pepper mixture from pan and set aside.

Lower temperature to low-medium, replace pan, and coat well with cooking spray.

In separate bowl, mix egg whites and milk and then dump into frying pan.

Allow to cook until egg whites become white but the top is still soft.  Add onions, peppers, and spinach and allow to cook another minute depending on how you like your eggs.

Sprinkle with cheese and fold in half using spatula.

continue cooking on one side another minute or so and then flip.  Cook until eggs are no longer runny and you have a light golden color on outside of eggs

Remove from pan and top with salsa, fresh tomatoes, and avacadoes.