I am both excited and terrified to start this journey of self disclosure. Anxiety has been the major player and putting my story into print is in and of itself the definition of challenging my greatest fears. The over riding motivator for doing this is a sincere hope that my struggle may make a difference for someone else. What will follow are some of the most intimate details of who I am and the expereinces that have shaped me. It may take some time for me to formulate my story so I'm asking for some patience.
I wanted to at least get things rolling so here is a post I wrote in our family blog some time ago. It seems to fit better here and is a message that I felt was an appropriate way to begin this saga, in a way, as evidence of progress.
Oringinally titled Realization:
January 10, 2013
As I stood in front of the mirror yesterday, I had a realization. I have always been incredibly insecure about my body and how I look. I have NEVER thought of myself as thin and or beautiful and will regularly try on 15 items of clothing before settling on something that I can tolerate walking out the door in (often sweat pants, basketball shorts, a t shirt, or a baggy sweatshirt.) I have the tendency in many areas of my life to be a perfectionist, and sadly, many times, if I can't achieve my desired level of perfection I have to make it appear that I didn't try at all (better to not look like I actually tried and failed- stupid, I know) hence the affore mentioned clothing choices.
Having a baby has had an interesting impact on my self perception. While my silhouette is far from what it was and I have been hard pressed to find a single item of my old clothing that fits comfortably or appropriately, gazing at my reflection in the mirror less than 24 hours ago, I found a deep appreciation for this body. I have always been able to feel tremendous gratitude for its abilities and for the strength of the frame that Heavenly Father provided to house my spirit. After a multitude of health issues, that gratitude has multiplied; but yesterday, the experience was different. As my adorable little son sat chewing on my hair brush, I felt a peace, an overwhelming tenderness for the gift that this body was able to give me. I could (and probably will at times) obsess about those 6 pounds that still linger on on my least favorite areas, but for the first time ever I could see that those changes said something important about me. I am a MOM, a mommy who loves her little boy beyond the bounds of what the word love could ever convey. I get up everyday and do my best to ensure that he is happy and healthy, that he feels safe, and that he never has to know what true hunger feels like. He doesn't care about those 6lbs. He doesn't care what I wear, or how I look, what number is on the tag in my jeans, or what the a scale would try to tell me about who I am. No matter what, that sweet little face looks up at his mommy and grins. When he is sad, his chubby little arms reach out to his momma and it's my chest that he snuggles his little head into.
A few days ago, Kel and I were talking about finances and income and how our lives have changed since we became a one income household. Without really thinking, I said something like "back when I got a paycheck and made a difference in the world. . . " Looking back at that moment now, I realize how off base that comment was. Yes, I used to hopefully "make a difference" in the lives of the clients I worked with; however, the most important thing I can do in this world is make a difference in the little life that I helped create. What I look like, what I weigh, how my clothes fit, mean nothing in comparison to the person that I am in the life of both of my men (one little one). That reflection is only a tiny outward expression of the life I have lived, and while I'm grateful for every scar and imperfection, they do not define me.
Does that mean the I will stop working out, taking a shower everyday, wearing make up (okay, lets be honest, I rarely do that but I likely won't stop all together), thinking about what I eat, changing my clothes multiply times before going out, that I will never look in the mirror and dislike the appearance of the person staring back- probably not. What it has changed, is how I feel inside. I can finally see a beauty in myself that I couldn't detect before. Qualities that I want to cultivate and nurture and, less worry about those external factors that before seemed to define me in a way that I couldn't escape. I put all of this out there because I hope that YOU, someone I love and care about, can realize what a mirror or a scale or a pant size could never tell you. . . that you are BEAUTIFUL and important in ways you may never be able to fully grasp. If you are a mom, a sister, a wife, a daughter, an aunt, a grandmother (this applies to the the men reading this too: husbands, fathers, brothers, etc.) take a few minutes to let go of the guilt and perceived expectations and capture a glimmer of the way those that love you, see you. If you can't do that, try to imagine how your Father in Heaven sees you- His love is endless and forgiving and unconditional and is in no way impacted by what is reflected in a piece of fragile glass. If you can't do either of those things- call me and I will tell you how much I love and admire you and how beautiful you are too me.
