And Sometimes It Rains

We have all heard the expression "When it rains, it pours," but I have realized that sometimes, it just rains.  When every weather forecast says that it should be sunny, for some reason, the storm clouds roll in consuming the clear sky that was supposed to stay blue and filling the void with despairing darkness. . . . .and it just rains, without gigantic menacing drops or outrageous torrential outbursts. Just a steady drizzle that initially seems manageable, seeming to possibly be short lived, but continues.  The drops keep falling, eventually soaking you to the bone but so slowly that you don't even realize how wet you are until you've become a sopping mess.

For almost four weeks now, I have been trying to formulate this post. The rain started falling. I tried to wait it out. But the clouds just got darker and here I sit, a sopping mess.

The hardest part, is that from almost every perspective, the sun should be shining on my life.  My blessings are too numerable to even try to count.  Things, for the most part, are really good.  Yet the clouds still came.

It started several weeks ago with some issues that temporally seemed like a huge ordeal (though are fairly insignificant from a broader perspective).  I allowed myself to feel hurt, very hurt, by the actions of some of the people that I care the most about (it still hurts) and that should care the most about me.  I felt the darkness creep in and the hurt turned to anger.  I was HURT and I WAS ANGRY, in a way that I have probably never really experienced.  As the events unfolded, the anger deepened and even when I started to realize that the the source of my anger was really being fueled by the  adversary, I continued to allow it to consume me.  I didn't want to let it go. And the clouds started to roll in.

In the midst of that, I was following the heart wrenching journey of a friend from high school and his beautiful little family. This amazing soul had always been someone whom I have admired and looked up to.  We were frequently in the same social circle, extra curricular activities, and even partnered in a school sport.

He was diagnosed with a brain tumor our senior year of high school, forcing him to relearn multiple skills, including how to walk, and I will never forget the hundreds of tears that slid down our faces (the graduating class of 2002), as he stood from his wheel chair and walked across the stage to accept him diploma.

We both attended Utah State following graduation and we occasionally found ourselves in the same groups.  I was always in awe of his determination, his strength, and his confidence.  He knew that he could do anything he set his mind to, and he did.

I lost track of him for several years until his sweet wife friended me on facebook.  From there, I learned that the cancer had returned in 2007 but that he had beaten it again and had been cancer free ever since.

I remember reading the heartbreaking post last year that the cancer had returned and that it seemed to be far more aggressive.  I knew that He would choose a plan of attack just as aggressively.  I hoped.  I prayed.  I pondered. I feared. I reflected. I followed his sweet wife's posts and found joy in the good news, and heartache in the bad.

Then came the news, just as my clouds were closing in and the rain began to fall, his tumor was no longer responding to Chemo and they were starting radiation.  My heart broke for his wife.  I looked at their tiny children and then into the eyes of my own. I cried.  I couldn't help but notice the similarities in out little families and felt guilt and gratitude and heartbreak and fear and a million other emotions.  All of the sudden it wasn't just someone else.  It was someone I had know and cared about.  It could have just as easily been us. I watched the grace and strength of his beautiful wife and my soul yearned to do something, anything, to help, but I didn't even know where to begin.

The last weekend in January, they decided to have an open house birthday party for this incredible man, husband, and father.  All were welcome. I felt an overwhelming prompting that I needed to go. I tried not to think to much about it but somehow knew that it was something I should do.  I wavered back and forth.  The entire 2 hour drive I thought about how fragile life is. How cold and scary and dark and unfair this life can be. How it is supposed to be that way. And about how much our Father in Heaven loves us and how much pain he must suffer watching his children suffer.  I almost turned around a million times, questioning if I should have come even when I pulled up to the house.  Would they wonder why I had shown up after nearly 10 years?  Was I crazy to have come when they probably had a million other close friends who had been far better friends than I had ever been to them? As questions and doubt raced through my head, a calm, quiet thought entered my head. None of that mattered, all that mattered was that they knew that they were loved and cared about, by more than just those they see everyday.  That people really do love and care about people, despite time or distance or the tumult of the world.  I wanted them to know that they mattered to me.  That his life and influence has mattered to me.

I will never regret, for one moment, walking into their home, giving his wife a real hug instead of a "facebook" one, looking into his eyes and telling him that I was grateful for his friendship and his kindness to me.  It was a beautiful, emotional, hard day.  One that I will always be grateful for.  In a way it changed me, it has brought a sense of mortality to my perception that I hadn't allowed in before and in some ways, it allowed the rain to keep falling. I continue to to think of them and pray for them and hope for them, everyday.

Then came news that both of my Grandmothers were struggling and would likely need to be moved to higher level care situations. As days passed, my Mom's mother seemed to be rapidly declining and there was fear that her time may be coming to an end.  The ache in my heart had become a throbbing as I tried to keep being strong.

The ache deepened even more when a week ago I found out that one of my dearest friends was facing what would likely be one of the most difficult and painful situations she will ever face.

And the rain fell.

Between all of my emotion and the added stress that my sweet hubby has been under with work and his weight loss challenge, my two favorite little people began acting out. Sadly, monster mom came out to handle the situation leaving me swimming in the gigantic puddle of guilt I had created. I have felt like an awful mother, completely under qualified to take care of these two amazing spirits.  To say the least, my self confidence was shattered.

So here I sit. In the midst of a storm.  A storm I never saw coming.  A storm that refuses to rage, but instead is content to just drizzle without end.

A sopping mess.

I am able to see the blessings. I'm humbled and grateful for them in every situation.  I know that the dreary clouds will part eventually and that even though the clouds weren't on my radar, if I'm strong enough, and brave enough, and patient enough, the sunny spot that was supposed to be mine, may help break through some of the other clouds.

Sometimes, when it rains, it pours. . . .and sometimes it just rains.

Salsa Chicken and Mexican Quinoa

I don't want this blog to turn into a food blog, but I promised this recipe and since it was so yummy, it's worth the post.  It's also super easy and HEALTHY.

Stay tuned for some new, non food posts soon.

Salsa Chicken

2-4 chicken breasts
1 can fire roasted mexican style tomatoes

Place chicken (I used frozen) in crockpot and cover with fire roasted tomatoes.  Cook on low approximately 3-4 hours depending on amount and size of chicken, until completely cooked.  I told you it was easy!

Mexican Quinoa

1 clove Garlic (diced)
1/2 onion (diced. I used a yellow onion but you could use white or red depending on taste preference)
1/2 green pepper
1 cup quinoa (rinsed)
1 cup chicken or vegetable broth
1 can black beans (drained and rinsed)
1 can diced (fire roasted or regular) tomatoes
1 can corn (drained)
1 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp cumin
salt and pepper to taste
1 avocado diced
juice from 1 lime

In a large skillet, spray generously with cooking spray and add onion, garlic, and green pepper.  Saute until softened.  Add quinoa, broth, beans, tomatoes, corn, and spices. Bring to a boil. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer until quinoa is completely cooked (approximately 25 minutes). Remove from heat and add lime juice and chopped avocado.

Create a nice layer of Quinoa and place Chicken breast on top.  Savor the yumminess!

adapted from: http://damndelicious.net/2014/04/09/one-pan-mexican-quinoa/

AMAZING "Kids" Pancakes (That even adults will love)

We have loads, I'm talking boat loads, of baby food puree left over since Ty decided that she was to grown up to eat it at about 9 months.  She thinks she is so big.  I've been lucky that I had stocked up on apple and banana and have been able to use it in the recipes that I already use apple sauce or ripened bananas but the mixed fruits and random veggies have proved a little more challenging.  We also have a TON of left over oatmeal and multigrain baby cereal that I was afraid we would never be able to use, until I stumbled on to this AMAZING pancake recipe!  They are SO much better than the store bought mix I used to buy (pancakes = bread, which meant, until now, I hadn't even considered trying to make them from scratch) and you can make a big batch, stick the left overs in the freezer, and after a quick zap of the microwave you have pancakes anytime your little ones ask (or you are craving a yummy, sweet snack).

Modified from:
http://cookingwithserena.com/?p=551124


Amazing "kids" Pancakes

Ingredients:

1 egg

1 Cup Flour (I used 3/4 cup wheat and 1/4 cup white but you could your any combination or one or the other.)

1/2 Cup baby cereal (I used oatmeal, multigrain would also work)

1 TBS coconut oil, melted (you could also use olive or another cooking oil)

2 tsp brown sugar

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp vanilla

2 TBS baby food ( you could use any fruit or vegtable, I used banana strawberry this time)

1 Cup 100% Juice ( I used Apple because it's what I had)

Mix all ingredients in a bowl until well conbined (you may want to add water to achieve your desired consistency- I added about 1-2 TBS)

Cook in greased frying pan.  I make my silver dollar sized for the kids. Flip when bubbles start to form and cook until golden on each side. Their aroma is to die for!

Serve warm with your favorite toppings and freeze the rest- if there are any left ;)

We top ours with creamy peanut butter (it's an Eppich thing) and syrup!

Cauliflower Crust Pizza

I had seen several recipes using cauliflower to replace mashed potatoes, make rice, mimic buffalo wings, and create an alternative to pizza crust and had contemplated trying it for some time.  We LOVE, I mean LOVE pizza in this house and Kel was really missing it so I decided to give the pizza crust a try.  It was a major, home run, hit!  Even with the kids! In fact, they ate it so fast that Kel and I barely even got a tiny slice.  We will be making it again tomorrow in larger quantities!

I modified my recipe from:
http://www.theluckypennyblog.com/2013/02/the-best-cauliflower-crust-pizza.html?m=1

Cauliflower Crust Pizza

Ingredients

1 large sized head of cauliflower 
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon dried basil, crushed
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano or italian seasoning, crushed
1 small garlic clove diced or 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 cup shredded parmesan cheese
1/4 cup mozzarella cheese
1 egg + 1 egg white

Sauce:
You can use pre-made sauce or make your own. I just threw some together for the sake of trying to be healthier, This recipe should make enough for 2 pizzas.

1 (14.5oz) can tomato sauce
1 small can tomato paste (I didn't have any so I left this out. It will just thicken your sauce)
aprox 1 tbs dried onions
1 small garlic clove crushed or finely diced
1/8 tsp salt
1 tsp splenda or sugar

combine in sauce pan and bring to boil. Reduce heat, cover, and simmer for 30-60 minutes.

Toppings:
We used fresh tomatoes and spinach because that is what we had. You can use anything you love!



Place a pizza stone or cookie sheet in the oven. Preheat oven to 450 degrees. On a cutting board, place a large piece of parchment paper or tin foil and spray it with nonstick cooking spray or oil. 

Wash cauliflower. Cut off the florets. Pulse in your food processor for about 30 seconds, until you get what is called cauliflower rice. Basically as though it had been finely grated. You should end up with 2 to 4 cups cauliflower shreds (you could use a fine cheese grater if you don't have a food processor). Place the cauliflower in a microwave safe bowl and cover. Microwave for 4 minutes. Dump cooked cauliflower onto a clean towel and allow to cool for several minutes (I nearly burned my hands off because I wasn't being very patient) before attempting the next step.

Once cauliflower is cool enough to handle, wrap it up in the dish towel and wring it until you can't get any more fluid out. You want to squeeze out as much water as possible. This will ensure you get a chewy crust and that it holds together. 

when finished, dump cauliflower into a bowl. Add Parmesan, mozzarella cheese, salt, dried basil, oregano or Italian seasoning, and garlic. 

Add your egg and mix well.  I just dug in with my hands to ensure that all the ingredients were completely incorporated. 

Once mixed, transfer dough to greased foil or parchment and shape into crust.  My first attempt I think I pressed my crust slightly thin, it was still super yummy, but I would recommend trying to keep it around a 1/4th of an inch in thickness.

Slide your crust onto your hot pizza stone or baking sheet in the oven. Bake for 8 - 11 minutes, until it starts to turn golden brown. Remove from oven.

Spread on sauce, add toppings and cheese and cook for another 5 to 7 minutes until the cheese is melted, bubbly, and slightly golden.

Let it to cool for a few minutes and then dig in! 

Southwest Peppers and Sweet Onion Egg White Omelet

The Hubs raved about this super simple, extremely healthy, egg white omelet. I served it with 3 strips of turkey bacon for a little crunch and to up the protein and we savored every bite.

Southwest Peppers and Sweet Onion Egg White Omelet

Ingredients

4 egg whites

1 tbs skim milk

half yellow onion (diced)

half green pepper (diced)

1 small clove of garlic (diced)

fresh spinach

cheddar/ colby jack/ mexican blend cheese (whatever you have on hand- I used colby jack)

salsa of choice

tomato (diced)

avacado (diced)


In a medium frying pan, saute onion and peppers on medium heat until desired softness (I used cooking spray) and add garlic for last 30 seconds to a minute.

Removed onion and pepper mixture from pan and set aside.

Lower temperature to low-medium, replace pan, and coat well with cooking spray.

In separate bowl, mix egg whites and milk and then dump into frying pan.

Allow to cook until egg whites become white but the top is still soft.  Add onions, peppers, and spinach and allow to cook another minute depending on how you like your eggs.

Sprinkle with cheese and fold in half using spatula.

continue cooking on one side another minute or so and then flip.  Cook until eggs are no longer runny and you have a light golden color on outside of eggs

Remove from pan and top with salsa, fresh tomatoes, and avacadoes.

Banana Oat Muffins

One of my favorite new sweet treats are these Banana Oat (chocolate chip) Muffins! They have turned out super yummy every time I have made them and I don't even feel bad about eating 2 . . . or 6 at a time :). Enjoy!

I modified this recipe from:

http://fitandhealthywithdebbie.blogspot.com/2012/10/banana-oatmeal-breakfast-muffins.html#.VLdtCivF8no

She refers to her version as a Clean Breakfast Muffin. I tweaked it slightly because I'm a rebel. . . and I have a little biger sweet tooth than she probably has ;).

Ingredients:

2 1/2 Cups Old fashioned or quick oats

1 Cup Plain Greek Yogurt

2 eggs

1/2 Honey

1/4 Cup brown sugar

2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp vanilla

2 ripe bananas

1 cup dark chocolate chips or nuts or combination of both

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Dump oats into food processor and pulse until mostly ground (doesn't have to be powdery)

Combine the remaining ingredients into food processor and pulse until smooth and well combined.

Dumb mixture into a bowl and stir in chocolate and/or nuts

Pour into greased muffin tin (about 2/3 to 3/4 full)

Bake for 18-20 minutes

Sink your teeth in while they are warm. . . . and try not to eat them all at once.

My Food Journey

I have always LOVED food....of all kinds.....and my relationship with it has been evolutionary.

As a kid, I craved healthy foods.  If you gave me a choice between a sandwich and a candy bar, I would have taken the sandwich any day of the week (there has been some major evolution since those days, haha!). I would even hoard my Halloween candy, and often times, have some from the previous year still stashed away when it came time to pick my costume the next year (I know, I was WEIRD! Chocolate doesn't last an hour in my presence these days :) ).

There were also those years when my entire interaction with food revolved around strict, stringent, rules that I had created in my head.  Food consumed my thoughts, what I had eaten, what I could eat next, what I couldn't eat, what I didn't eat, when I could eat, how much I had eaten- it was torture and nearly destroyed not only my ability to enjoy food , but also my life.  I didn't eat ice cream for nearly 3 years!!! Me, the girl who can rarely end a day without indulging in the rich, creamy, melt on your tongue deliciousness.  Now THAT was torture. All because of some stupid, made up, ridiculous rule I had conjured up that said "if you eat ice cream, you will get fat" and at that time in my mind, it was totally rational and factual (it's completely not factual for anyone who is wondering!).  The list of rules, all of which were similarly insane, were innumerable and even changed as those years progressed.  It was misery.

Thankfully, the evolution continued. It is still a process and as crazy as it sounds, I have to force myself not to worry about or think about what I eat. It's the only way I can be healthy. I just eat what sound and tastes good, when it sounds and tastes good........and it's wonderful......and it frequently includes ice cream.

My amazing, talented, sweet husband has been on his own food journey. He has always had an impressive ability to lose weight if presented with an adequate reward or incentive (to date, he has NEVER lost a weight loss challenge, which has been quite lucrative, I might add); however, he has struggled to keep the weight off.  Almost a year and a half ago, he decided he wanted to make a permanent change and rather than starving himself to win some challenge, he wanted to lose weight the right way, over time, while making sustainable change. He was determined and I was in awe of that determination.  He worked out EVERY morning at 5 am. He decreased his portions and made healthier choices, and he lost nearly 70 lbs over 8 months.  He is seriously my hero.  It was not easy.  Not one day was easy.  I was beyond proud of him.

As often happens, life got crazy and my poor hubby got hit from all sides with some monumental stress.  Some of the weight crept back.  He felt discouraged and I felt heartbroken for him.  But, he did not give up (did I mention that he is determined and beautifully stubborn).

He came home a few weeks ago and hesitantly told me about another challenge that he wanted to enter.  He was hesitant because we had had several discussions about his need to make changes for himself and not to just win some short term objective and I'm sure he was more than worried about what my reaction might be.

This challenge was different. It was BIGGER! I think I surprised him a little with my response.  He wanted to enter the 200K transformation challenge put on by bodybuilding.com for a chance to win 40 or 80 thousand dollars.  This challenge also is not based on weight. It is based on overall, greatest body transformation, which is refreshing.  He made the argument that whether he won the money or not, personally, he couldn't lose.  I was excited and you can call us crazy, but I honestly believe that my husband can do anything he sets his mind to.  I don't feel like winning is out of his reach and I told him I would do anything in my power to help him achieve his goal.

That is when he told me that I had just been hired as his nutrition specialist.

I decided, at that moment, that I was going to do my best to help him see that he could still eat, that healthy food could taste good, and that losing didn't have to mean deprivation.

Something you should probably know about me is that I have enjoyed cooking and preparing and baking food but I have not always been very good at it.  I had a roommate in college that lovingly (at least I hope) referred to what I ate as squirrel food.  I am totally content to eat cold cereal (with or without milk), crackers, nuts, chips, fruit, veggies, etc for every meal.  Those are foods I really enjoy.
Needless to say, I haven't done a lot of meal preparation in our marriage.  Not because I couldn't, but because I just wasn't quite brave enough to step out of my comfort zone.

I have told myself for several years that I could ruin any recipe I came across mostly because, for the first few years of marriage, I massacred several meals from cookbooks after tediously following the directions.  After that, I threw out the cookbook and started creating my own recipes, most of which turned out pretty well but I stayed in my realm of comfort, foods and flavors I knew and was familiar with. During that time, I also stopped baking because I thought that I needed to revamp every cookie recipe to be "healthy" without having an adequate understanding of baking chemistry (chem was one of the only classes that I got a letter other than the first letter of the alphabet in, and it was for good reason).

I started getting a little braver a couple years ago and started challenging my fear of baking.  I started to have some success and have learned a lot about how to alter recipes without ruining taste or texture.  That gave me a little push and I have come to really love baking again.

When Kel told me that I was now his nutritionist, I decided that I was going to let go of some of my fears about preparing food.  I have allowed myself to be extremely intimidated by foods that I think are labor intensive or "difficult" to make and have avoided trying to make them at all costs.  Anything in the bread department has always been a "don't even attempt it unless it's frozen dough that can be thrown in a pan and baked" as well as many other "from scratch" items. Those foods were scary to me. I had convinced myself that the process was too long or hard or beyond my scope of ability.  It was silly, really.  Most likely another manifestation of my perfectionism and procrastination, so I decided to put my pinterest boards to good use, even the scary ones, and the results have been pretty fantastic.

Several people have asked me to post some of my recipes for the yummy foods we've been eating so the next few posts will be some of our new favorites.  I hope you enjoy!