While this whole week has been unusually wonderful, today was breath taking. I loaded up the kids and Bob and when I got to the trail head to unload, I was almost regretting my decision to wear a t shirt and wishing I had chosen a tank top- IN DECEMBER!! It was bliss.
As I started my jog, as usual, my mind kicked into overdrive and thoughts and ideas and insights flooded my brain faster than I could sort or organize them. I actually love it. With a one year old and a two year old, having your own thoughts, private thoughts, are a rare novelty. When I run, my babies sleep and my mind can finally think of something other than diapers to be changed, faces to be wiped, meals to be made, disasters to evade, and kisses to be given (don't get me wrong, I love every single one of those moments with my babies. I wouldn't change it for the world and I'm devastated to think of the days when it will end). It's freedom. It's therapy. It's healing.
You would be amazed at the world problems (okay, maybe just the problems in my own little world) that can be solved in a 90 minute run.
It's during my runs that I often have my best ideas and frequently think of all the topics I would love to address here in this blog. I can't count the number of blog posts that have been composed on my runs that never actually make it to the keyboard, but the process for me is still the same, whether the topics ever make it to print.
Today, my thoughts were overrun with some of my fears (Crazy right? Me worry? Ha!). I have been thinking a lot about this blog and it's direction. I have so many dreams and aspirations and have some confidence in some of what I would perceive as my talents; however, I am afraid. . . . completely and utterly afraid of failure. I honestly always have been. When I look back at nearly everything I have done, I can see some point in which my fear of failure has held me back.
As I listened to my feet hitting the pavement, pushing nearly 90 lbs of baby and stroller and packing a 10 lb weight vest, I felt discouraged that I wasn't faster. That I didn't have any medals on my wall as proof of the thousands upon thousands of miles I have run in the past 12 years. Nothing to show for it. I tell people all the time that I am not competitive. I'm not. I'm not because I'm afraid to put everything I have into anything for fear that I will fail and that that will ultimately mean I am a failure. It is an overriding theme in my life. I see other women around me doing amazing things. Things I wish I could do. Things I really think I could do. But all too often I don't even try. I let the fear win. I have always been mediocre. Occasionally above average.
In some arenas, I think that it's okay. In order to accomplish some of the things that I aspire to, I would have to make sacrifices. Major sacrifices. Sacrifices of time and at this moment, that time is too precious. Those little noses to be wiped, hands to be held, scraped knees to be kissed are worth far more than the personal accolades I could be acquiring.
As with all things in this life, there is a balance to be struck. We have to continually challenge our fears, push them back, dig deep to find the confidence to prove them wrong while also knowing our own boundaries and appreciating that those boundaries will shift as our lives progress.
Today I decided, as a warm December breeze rejuvenated my spirit, that I don't have to settle for mediocre or just above average in everything. Somethings, for now, yes, but not everything. I can be exceptional at a couple things but I have to challenge my fear of failure (something I'm not at all comfortable with or good at). It's true, I might fail (and as much as I wish that wasn't one of my top 5 greatest fears, it is) but I owe it to myself to take a few risks, so I'm going to try.
This blog started as one of those aspirations. I thought maybe I could be an exceptional writer and I could change peoples lives and have thousands of people enthrallment by my prose. Then I started to convince myself that no one would care. That I wasn't good enough. And I almost quit.
Today, I'm not quitting! Do I think that I'm amazing and that I'll be some famous blogger? Sadly, No. I do think that I may be able to make a difference to someone, even if it is just me. I also am finding that I can be great at being who I am. I am completely imperfect, but I am also beyond blessed. I'm striving for balance and when I take a moment to look at my crazy little life, I'm truly living my dreams. My goals will come. Some will take time and patience and courage. . . .hope, and faith, but I will not give up.
"Fear knocked at the door,
Faith answered,
And no one was there."
No comments:
Post a Comment